Sticky subject: aggression

I have been working with a boy from the Middle East who has issues with hitting other kids. It seems to bring him a sense of power and release from frustration. As our work on this subject has continued over the last seven months, he has decreased his activities on this front from a regular habit to a tactic of civil justice when he or others are being treated unfairly. It's a definite improvement, but he still will add an extra jab or kick to vent his feelings. This is one of those things: I continue to struggle with how to address the use of aggression in kids. I have developed a general tactic which is as follows.

1. Validate the anger and need to vent it.

2. Validate the desire to stand up for oneself and others.

3. Challenge the effectiveness of aggressive tactics in light of their consequences (getting hurt, getting in trouble). If school or family are not enforcing rules re: aggression, ask them to do so. Sometimes school staff will be overly sympathetic to a refugee child and not hold them to the same rules as other children. This does these children a great disservice, sometimes creating little monsters or poor students. It is a delicate balance between sensitivity towards cultural differences / war trauma and coddling. I work a lot with schools to help them understand the difference.

4. Discuss differences in cultural responses to aggression. It is often, although not always, more accepted in Middle Eastern cultures -- particularly for boys and men.

5. Offer other methods for anger expression and the pursuit of justice. Since anger and power have a deep connection in Psyche, it is important that the alternative methods offered are empowering for the particular child or teen.

6. Remain logical and non-judgmental while challenging use of aggression -- this keeps the child open to ongoing conversations about it. I often bring in some humor and playacting to keep the child engaged.

   I think what is tricky for me is maintaining my own balance between helping a client be successful in this new culture and stripping the client of his/her relatively healthy responses. I have a Syrian friend, a woman, who used to chase down men in Syria who touched her inappropriately in public: she would hit them and scream at them, and the society supported her, sometimes joining in. What if women were supported to do that in the U.S.? Maybe we'd have less sexual harassment and sexual assault. 

    We rely more and more on the government and government entities to protect us, and I wonder if this is really helping us. It's funny that I write this: I am so nonviolent. But I do speak up when things are happening I deem unfair or wrong. One time I yelled at a young man who took out a handgun at a public hot spring -- I told him to put it away. There were about a dozen people there, and I was the only one who said anything. Are we so de-clawed and dependent on "experts" that we can't even yell at a jerk? I think media plays a big role in this as well, portraying the world as far more dangerous than it really is. We live in fear of the psychopath, perhaps? I don't know, but I will say that I don't want to de-claw kids as much as I don't condone violence.