A Parent's Guide: Talking to Young Kids About the Birds and the Bees

Many parents are absolutely flummoxed when it comes to talking to their small children about private parts and sex. It is hard to imagine what a four year old may need to know and what is too much for them to handle. What is clear, however, is that having that talk in an age appropriate way is not only helpful and interesting to small children, but it is also a preventive and protective measure to take for their safety. For art therapists working with families, this guide can be used in session to help parents talk to their children. Art can be brought into the talk at several points, which I will note with an asterisk. 

With 3-5 year olds, there are several talking points that are very helpful in an age appropriate birds and bees talk. I list them below in the general order I use when guiding parents through this discussion.

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1. Lets learn the names of your body parts! This can feel like a safe place to start, as there are often non-sexual body parts that children in this age group won't know the names of yet. Most of these are organs. It can be helpful to map out the body parts either with the help of a simple, age-appropriate educational book or by drawing them out.* This doesn't have to be an overly complicated anatomy lesson with detailed pictures. It can include the names and functions of such parts as:

- brain

- lungs

- stomach

- intestines

- bladder

- vagina

- penis, testicles

- anus

Feel free to add more to the list. For example, some parents tell their daughters about the vulva, clitoris and/or uterus as well.

It is helpful for kids to know the actual names of their body parts for them to feel confident in their knowledge of the body. It is also considered preventative in itself, because sexual perpetrators often rely on children's ignorance to take advantage of them.

2. Private parts are called private for a reason! This conversation is central in this talk. It is helpful for children to understand that their private parts are for them alone to look at and touch.  Explaining that, while sometimes people such as mommy or daddy or childcare providers may need to help clean their privates or take care of them if there's a medical problem, their privates and everyone else's should be kept private:

• A child should make sure to keep their privates covered most of the time, just like their parents do. 
• No-one should ask to touch or look at a child's privates (exceptions being for hygiene or medical purposes with parent/caregiver supervision). 
• No-one should ask a child to touch or look at another person's privates. 
• Privates are to be kept hidden, and if anyone ever makes a child do anything with the child's or another person's privates the child should tell mommy or daddy as soon as possible. This interaction includes looking at pictures or videos of other people's privates. Some parents may feel comfortable in telling their kids to scream as loud as they can in such a scenario.

3. If you want to touch your privates, make sure it's an ok time and place! I know not every parent wants to permit their child to masturbate. I have worked with parents that feel this goes against their belief system, and in that case we may skip this discussion. For those parents who have observed their small children touching or stimulating their privates and want to offer safe support and containment for this behavior, consider the talking points below:

• It's ok to touch yourself and make yourself feel good in your privates. 
•  Remember how important it is to keep your privates private? That includes where and when you touch them. 
• The safe place to touch yourself is in your bedroom when no-one else is there with the door closed/locked. Or when you take a bath by yourself (if old enough to do so). Or in the bathroom when no-one else is there with the door closed/locked. [Parents can chose which place(s) is acceptable for them] It is not ok to touch yourself anywhere but in your own house.
• If you have your door closed, from now on your parents will knock before entering. If you are touching yourself, you can say "Please don't come in!” or “I’m having private time!"
• There are appropriate times to touch yourself and times when you shouldn't. When you are at home and have free time, it's usually ok. When friends or family are visiting, it's not ok. When it's a mealtime or special family time, it's not ok. Whatever parameters feel acceptable to the parents are the ones to go with, as long as it respects everybody's privacy. 
• If you feel like you really want to touch yourself, but it's not an ok place or time, you will have to wait. It's just like waiting for a snack or a visit to the park. 

If you feel like this is helpful for your family, you can work with your child to make a sign for their door that they can put up when they want "private time." * 

4. Remember to please tell mommy or daddy if someone does something involving private parts that makes you feel uncomfortable. This is an important point to reiterate, and I know parents have mixed feelings about this. One one hand, you want your child to be as safe as possible. On the other hand, you want to shelter your child's innocence and not unduly scare them. So finding your happy medium will be essential. You can keep the conversation as simple as the above statement, without going into detail about the various dangers that may be possible. Most children, after already hearing about not letting anyone touch/see their privates or touching/seeing anyone else's, will have enough information to go by to be safe. I think it can be helpful to include some statement that it's important to tell even if someone tells them not to - even if someone says something bad will happen if the child  tells. 

5. Has anyone ever done something involving privates that made you feel uncomfortable? I know this is a terrifying question to ask one's chid, but it is better to ask this question directly than to dance around the issue and hope for the best. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to sexual abuse, and some children won't offer such information unless asked directly. Just prepare yourself emotionally ahead of time, so that you can ask your child with a neutral face and compassionate manner: some children won't want to upset their parents if their mom or dad looks anxious when asking such a question. 

Conclusion
It is important to repeat some version of this conversation intermittently throughout your young child's development. Giving them a space to talk about sex-related issues on a regular basis provides them with a sense of healthy sexuality and reduces embarrassment and confusion. It also gives them an opportunity to tell you if something has happened to them or another child they know. As I mentioned above, some kids won't bring up a problem unless asked about it directly.

As kids get older, other questions and issues emerge. Overall sexual boundaries, including sex and private parts on the internet, become a larger issue to cover. Bullying around sexual issues (behavior, orientation, gender identity, etc.) may occur in school, either directly or indirectly involving your child. A friend may confide in your child about abuse. Sex play with peers may become an issue to discuss and deal with. As adults know, it only gets more complicated as we grow. But establishing a strong foundation of open discussion and clear boundaries with your child from a young age is incredibly helpful in traversing the rocky roads of childhood development. 

Note: Having worked with a lot of survivors of sexual abuse, I see only benefits in arming our children with this information. Many abuse survivors I've worked with had no framework to understand what was happening to them when they were abused. If they had been told what was ok and not ok and offered the opportunity to talk about anything bothering them, they might have been saved a lot of suffering.