Processing Parenthood an Art Therapist's Way: Accepting Risk

I can't protect him from everything, but he's most likely going to be fine. I say this to myself at least once a day to counter the worries that come with having a toddler. On days that some minor accident happens and my imagination runs wild, I use basic CBT techniques to redirect my thoughts and not obsess over worse case scenarios. I also believe in facing the darkness of my thoughts, however, and through art exposing these fears to the fresh air and light of day.

Anxious thoughts and intrusive visions of hurt coming to a child are very common and can be a source of great suffering for parents and caregivers. They can come out of family of origin trauma, known or unknown to the parent. How much we have lost in our lives can deeply impact our level of fear regarding the safety of our children. Anxious thoughts can also simply arise from raising a child in this current tragedy-obsessed climate. Allowing parents a place to acknowledge these thoughts and share them without judgment can be very helpful.

The below directives are variations on a theme, addressing anxiety that can range from annoying to paralyzing for parents. The first couple of directives address fear of harm, of not being able to protect one's child. The third directive is about accepting risk as a parent.

1. Carrying the Risk. Ask the parent to visualize a time when they became aware of the limits to their ability to protect their child(ren). This can be any event: one when their child was hurt, when the child roamed, when the child started daycare/preschool/school, or even when the parent simply realized that their child could move freely and quickly. Directive: With that time in your mind, create an image, abstract, metaphorical, or representational, that depicts how you felt in that moment. Include any relevant thoughts or conclusions you came to during that time.

Image by author

2. Worst Fears. There is inevitably a time when one's child is small that a parent is haunted by one or more worst case scenarios of harm coming to the child. These times can be short-lived or chronic, but they are always very distressing. If a parent is experiencing a lot of distress over these thoughts, it may be helpful to do a self-regulation exercise (breath awareness, bi-hemisphere resource work, etc.) before and after this art therapy directive. Directive:  Make an image of any fears for your child that are deeply troubling you, that you find yourself avoiding with great pain. Include a self-portrait in this piece, depicting how you are troubled by these fears. Including yourself is essential, as this is mostly about you and how these fears impact you.

Image by author

3. Accepting Risk. It is just as important to come to terms with the vulnerability of having and loving a child as it is to continue protecting that child within rational means. Most parents are bowled over at some point with the utter vulnerability of loving someone so small and dependent: we are challenged in these moments to acknowledge how fragile our child(ren) can seem and how much we have to lose if something were to happen to them. This step is absolutely crucial in processing anxiety. Finding a way to hold the risk of loss or harm, integrating that risk into one's worldview, and carrying on loving with utter openness in spite of that risk: this is the great task. Directive: Ask the parent, after doing the above directives, to consider how they can accept this risk and face the unknown joys and sorrows of the future. This directive can and should be a longer one in terms of execution, because it's no brief task to integrate and accept the risks of potentially losing a child or seeing one's child come to harm. It can be a more detailed or layered painting, a shadow box, a nest sculpture, a collaged container: ideally it will take at least two sessions to complete.

Image by author

Parenting in the current Western cultural climate is very challenging. We hear constantly about terrible things that happen to children, and it can be easier to feel anxious for your child rather than calm and present for your child's small, happy adventures in their new world. The joys of parenting are often eclipsed by hot debates about how to parent effectively and keep children safe. It is so easy to feel disoriented and anxious, and so much more difficult to really enjoy the brief time we have with our children while they are still small. Really examining and coming to terms with our fears can be helpful in orienting ourselves as parents and making space for a deeper connection with our vulnerable but resilient kids.